Hello From the Other Side

He handed me the phone and said, "Here Jen, talk to her."

"Hello??" I said. I sat on the toilet in the dark crying hysterically. I don't remember exactly what triggered this meltdown. All I know is that I felt completely hopeless and was losing sight of any purpose in the world. This was after Mother's Day weekend. I am 39 and don't have kids yet. The thought of missing out on being a mom and having a family of my own keeps freaking me out.

I grew up an only child. This constant nagging of loneliness still resurfaces at times. I know I am smart, powerful and can do a lot in the world. Yet, on this night in the dark I don't care and I only feel pain surging in my body and soul. I just want to disappear, like forever.

As a survivor I find at times it is hard to admit my struggles and pain. I do not want to be associated with the label "victim" in any way, so I put on a good face. Friends feel sad about my past and lovers don't understand. The details are too harsh at times for people I love to hear. They get angry, sad, and don't know what to say to me. I feel bad for making them feel bad, then I feel that terrible loneliness. Not only is there the pain of being raped and molested and not having a voice, then there is the isolation of not being able to talk about it and feeling like a freak and burden.

"Hi, my name is Angel. What's going on?"

How appropriate that the girl from the suicide hotline is named Angel. I talk freely and at the end of the conversation I feel validated, heard, and hopeful again. I even find things to joke about and make her laugh.

I want to say to you that it is okay to have a bad day. It is okay to cry until your face is all swollen and scream and yell and have no one understand you. Just know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And please call a hotline or someone to talk it out. You deserve to be heard.

I love you. You are perfect. Thank you.

"Perhaps most important, we need to keep saying to anyone out there who has ever been assaulted: you are not alone. We have your back. I’ve got your back."

-President Barack Obama, January 22, 2014